Week 5

Gordo: Right. Firstly thank you for agreeing to talk to me at such short notice. You made yourself available immediately when I told you that I wanted to speak to you about the “Big One”. I am almost certain that this is because it’s a topic that is close to your heart and one that you have been personally affected by. So let’s start with this. Why do so few people – even today in 2018 – feel comfortable openly discussing their personal experiences with the “Big One”?

Me: Right well, I actually don’t remember The Big One that well myself, I must say. I was very young when it was on. But The Big One was essentially a short-lived 1992 Channel 4 comedy drama series starring the frankly underrated Mike McShane and the frankly overrated lesbian Danish-British national treasure Sandi Toksvig. It actually only ran for 7 episodes. But I think it was a missed opportunity. I mean that show had real potential….

Gordo: Ok…I think I am going to need to stop you there. There has been some confusion. As a matter of fact what I meant by “The Big One” was mental illness. I thought that you might be so good as to say a few words about your own experiences of that.

Me: Ah. Ok…

Gordo: You famously once said that an erotic personality is often also an erratic one. How have your own life experiences informed that particular view?

Me: Well, I can only speak of my personal experience. Personally. It was a frightful piece of business really. What happened in my case was that just as everything seemed to have clicked into place in my life, I suffered a mental breakdown. It was a complete break from reality. I actually do not remember that much about it. But I walked it to Hull and back wearing absolutely nothing apart from a Scatman John T-Shirt.

Gordo: Oh dear God, have mercy! What torment could possess a man to do such a thing? How could anyone even think of doing something like that? I dread to think what devilish nuisance must have been plaguing your mind. It is disturbing to think about. And where do you buy a T-Shirt like that anyway?

Me: Ah, I knew a friend of a friend….who knew some very weird dudes. They sold me T-Shirts of Lou Bega and Vanilla Ice, a Taylor Swift pencil case….I was in a very, very dark place…

Gordo: When you look back now – and of course this is not in any way to apportion blame to your friends and family – but were there any signs before the onset of that “full retard” episode that they really ought to have picked up on (if we were, for example, to apportion blame to them)?

Me: Well yes, I think hindsight is a wonderful thing. Of course with the benefit of the doubt it all seems so obvious now. But when you are there – in the moment – staring it in the face, it’s like trying to taste the frost in the Frosties really. I think with hindsight however, perhaps one small clue that all was not well was when I started to pack lunch with sand sandwiches. I rather think now that I was rather depressed.

Gordo: How long did the sand sandwiches go on undetected?

Me: About 5 years. It was only years after my breakdown, once I had regained sanity and started trundling through my old diary entries that I discovered a 30 page manifesto wherein I detailed in painstaking technicality my plan to work my way through all readily available sandwich fillings that started with an “S” in alphabetical fashion.

Gordo: Shit!

Me: Well quite. Although luckily I did not quite get that far. So all consuming was my insanity by that stage that I only got as far as using Shiitake mushrooms before my attention was distracted for a number of months by the video to “Roar” by Katie Perry.

Gordo: Now you are a man famous for your cerebral professorial nature. Your house is a library. Your head is an encyclopedia – although all that stuff’s online now anyway....

Me: Well you know I really do think that’s kind of like cheating. And it has not really been fair to people like me who devoted their lives to study before Wikipedia came along and turned everyone into an expert.

Gordo: …Yeah well, we’re not really talking about that subject. (Again). Not today anyway… I mean you probably know more about amnesia than even an amnesiac would. With that huge bank of knowledge, what would your advice to people about mental health be?

Me: I think that’s a tough question. It’s just not easy to sum that sort of advice up in a handy soundbite for mass consumption because mental illness is such a multi-faceted and individual thing. But I would probably say: “Get lots of fibre in your diet, drink plenty of water, get lots of exercise and don’t tell girls with dumpy calves that they have dumpy calves. It will only make you feel bad about yourself afterwards.”

Gordo: Fascinating. I had always simply imagined that to be a time and energy efficient way for a man to gain self esteem. Now what would you say, looking back, right now, looking back, at those dark, dreary days you went through, now, as a man with a triple figure salary, a position of power and seniority at work which is unheard of for someone your age, when you look back and laugh to yourself about how others who went through what you did then failed to achieve what you did so that they can also look back and laugh at others who also failed like you do, looking back?

Me: Well it is interesting. One thinks back to the sand sandwich and it sort of takes on a symbolic value. It becomes almost the physical embodiment of the tragedy of the life of the writer. The sand sandwich is full but strangely empty at once. It is tangible, solid - yet forever crumbling. And although you could feed on it for a lifetime, you would not really enjoy the act of eating.

Gordo: God, it must be hard to be you sometimes….

Me: Hehe. Well, look I’ve had my ups and downs. We all have. I try to remain aware of the need to be grateful. I do thank the Universe everyday for the things I am lucky to enjoy. But let’s just say I’ve had my moments too.

Gordo: No, you misunderstand. I mean really, being you must be fucking awful. I just don’t see how you do it. I would pour the milk down the sink just one day after its Sell By Date if I had to make the tea in your shoes.

Me: Thank you.

Gordo: No, thank you. You have been so honest and upfront about such a difficult subject. Thank you, you brave, brave, sexy but awful man.

Me: We should probably include a link to the song “Scatman” by Scatman John here just to raise awareness and let people know that help is out there.

Gordo: Agreed.