Week 6
Gordo: How have you been?
Me: I have been good.
Gordo: You’ve been good? Jesus! You are turning yellow…
Me: Yeah well. I am still here at least.
Gordo: You’re still here? Get yourself to a doctor man! Wake up! You look like a skeleton. How much weight have you lost??
Me: I am pretty skinny right now, I suppose. I weigh…70kg, maybe?
Gordo: Didn’t the lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots die years ago?? The power of Christ compels you! There is a ghost in the house! You used to be quite handsome in your own fucked up way with that dumb open mouthed stare on your face and your huge comedy lips.
Me: Yeah. They are quite big. Hehe.
Gordo: Quite big? They look like a toy you buy from the seaside!
Me: Yes. Ha. I actually had some of those….you know when I was kid.
Gordo: Well you would. You would….
Me: Yes I know.
Gordo: Ahhhh.
“Elliot, Elliot.
The boy who speaks words so cold.
Elliot, Elliot.
The boy who hides a heart of Gold.”
What do you make of that? How does it make you feel?
Me: It is…ok I guess. I am fine with it.
Gordo: Do you think it’s going to help you get your Ex back?
Me: Well….no, not really. She has moved on now. She says she hates my guts.
Gordo:
“I went to the doctor and guess what he told me? Guess what he told me?
He said: "Girl, you better try to have fun no matter what you do,"
But he's a fool 'Cause nothing compares….”
Me: Stop that.
Gordo: “Nothing compares to you….”
Me: Hey, come on man….Enough.
Gordo: Ok, ok. On the subject of poetry, you tell me that “Letting Go” has been getting rave feedback.
Me: Erm…Wait, did I say that? Well no. Just one person. He said it was beautiful though.
Gordo: Who was he??
Me: Just a friend.
Gordo: What friend?
Me: Just…you know, a friend? A friend to everyone. I mean in times of need.
Gordo: You didn’t did you? Not a helpline....
Me: Erm, well actually….
Gordo: You read the poem to a man from Samaritans….? Oh Good Lord in Heaven....
Me: He fucking said he liked it! Actually, he wanted to do dinner on Friday. A Nepalese place. In South West London I think. But I didn’t take him up on the offer. Actually I think he might have been….I mean, you know I’m not homophobic or anything. But that’s just not where I am right now.
Gordo: Well look, I actually did read the poem and I thought it was very touching.
Me: Really?? Wow. Thanks! That’s really….helpf….Hey, what are you doing on Saturday? I wanted to watch the football. Maybe we can go get some beers, kick back, watch the game.
Gordo: Who? Me? Oh…..(Shit, this is awkward). Erm….no, no. I am busy on Sunday, sorry.
Me: I said Saturday.
Gordo: Oh! Oh. God…Yes I said Saturday too. You remember the chick who worked in that Kebab shop down the road from me? Yeah. That’s right...I am meeting her.
Me: But didn’t you say she went back to Iran?
Gordo: Did I? I mean yes, I did. Yes that’s right. I’m going to Iran on Saturday. Hey, sorry buddy. Maybe another time?
Me: Sure….
Gordo: Hey….come on. Cheer up!!
Me: I am fine. I told you.
Gordo: Look, one question I have. What is it with you and the writing? Why do you always come back to it?
Me: It is just who I am as a person. It always has been. I am a pretty unsettled guy by nature. Everything in my world is big. Love. Grief. I experience it all in a strange way. It’s hard to explain. It’s like for me it’s always life and death. Always life and death. I am pretty much a self regulating insane human. But because I am human, I want to express everything I feel. To document it. To the best of my ability. I think it’s really my way of staying in touch with beauty and shielding myself from the potential ugliness of the world. And of myself.
Gordo: Would you describe yourself as an ugly person?
Me: I can be, that’s for sure. I am a very combustible character. My brother once told me he didn’t ever get me because I can be the nicest person in the world and the meanest – usually on the same day. I think that just about sums it up.
Gordo: So do you think it’s important for people to stay in touch with beauty?
Me: Definitely. I think it has a special importance to me as an Artist but that urge feeds a spiritual requirement, which is a need everyone has in one way or another. I am basically Beauty and the Beast in the same person. It’s probably the reason why I feel the way I do about my Ex. She really was my way of staying in touch with beauty and shielding myself from the potential ugliness of the world - and of myself.
Gordo: What was she like as a person?
Me: Well she was the best person I ever met in my lifetime. That’s for sure. She had a natural nobility about her – not just in terms of her regal beauty but one that ran from her soul.
Gordo: “Never spoke a lie, she spoke told a lie, but she surely spared some.” What did that mean when you wrote it?
Me: Well that has two meanings. The first is spiritual and probably too personal to talk about. You would have to really know her as a person and know her life to understand why someone would write that about her. But the more simple everyday detail – something I never told her, but noticed early on, just one of those small things that you grow to love – she never pulled anyone up when they were lying. She was just too sweet natured to challenge it. Often when we were around someone who said something unbelievable, she would just smile and stare blankly with her big beautiful eyes. It was actually really cute and fucking beautiful. She never realised that I would watch out for her whenever that happened to see her reaction.
Gordo: Happiest memory?
Me: Oh. There is not just one, to be honest. There are many. I would call it a tie. Seeing her after a long break apart in central London waiting for me on the street. She was wearing a black leather jacket and red dress. She looked beautiful and vulnerable at the same time. Spending an afternoon in Totnes and going to a weird, psychedelic café and to Totnes Castle. A special restaurant for us around Tunis. Walking through a beautiful cemetary in Sidi Boud Said and talking about our views on life and the afterlife. Actually the first time I went to “visit” her in Tunis was completely crazy. I literally travelled there for one day to spend time with her when she was on holiday visiting her friend there. It was my first time in Tunisia actually. I arrived at 9pm and had to get through visa control, haggle with cab drivers and with the man on Reception at the hotel where she was waiting for me. I was drenched in sweat and very anxious by the time I turned up, because she had been waiting alone for so long surrounded by other men. But then the Receptionist just told me: “Calm down, calm down. She is upstairs”. When I asked who, he said the European lady with “white” hair and I knew he meant blonde. The moment I saw her upstairs was one moment of my life I will never forget. My heart actually stopped because of how beautiful she looked.
Gordo: Wow. Kinda sorry I asked now, to be honest. Anything else?
Me: Well there was also a time after that break when she texted me from her holiday in Lithuania and told me about the architecture there. I think she wanted to put a special effort into describing it because of me being a writer. That was very sweet. Then there was the time we first told eachother we loved eachother. Actually she had to guide me through that, because I was so terrified of saying something like that and not knowing what her reaction would be. It took her about 5 minutes. It was pretty powerful though. That was probably the moment that unlocked the full potential of our relationship.
Gordo: Do you think you will ever get over her?
Me: I would definitely like to be in a position where I feel happy knowing she is happy – wherever she is. I would not want to take that sort of regret to my grave. I think I have been through an extraordinary experience in my life which has taught me valuable lessons. My ego has been shattered. I feel humility for the first time in years. I realise why I need to try and be a better person. My senses are being awakened to new feelings I did not know existed. I can think of her life story now and feel moved by it in a way I was blinding myself to before. I know I just need to be grateful for the time we had together. But physically I think I know I have to turn a corner.
Gordo: What was the trigger?
Me: It is always the small things that get to you. There is a girl in a Holland and Barrett I go to near work who likes me I think. She is a shy girl naturally but she usually seems to go out of her way to make conversation with me. I had not been to work for weeks and when I showed up today I could tell she was horrified by my physical appearance. She did not say anything. But she did not have to. Her jaw just hit the ground and then when I caught her glance of horror, she smiled it out. I caught her staring at me 3 or 4 times after as well. So….I think it’s time to get back into shape and get healthy again.
Gordo: Crikey....Hey, are they still doing that “Buy One, Get The Second For A Penny” deal?
Me: I think so. Yes.
Gordo: So thinking of life and death, what would you like your eulogy to say?
Me: “Here was a man”….Actually. That’s it. “Here was a man”.
Gordo: Really? That’s it??? Not something like “Naturally shy, he could be the most gentle person you ever meet. But there was a darkness about the man. An intensely melancholic vibe that permeated the essence of his soul….”?
Me: I don’t think so.
Gordo: What about, “He was a complete fucking lunatic. The craziest motherfucker who ever walked the Earth.”
Me: Well, maybe. It’s not really my choice to be honest. That’s for other people to decide I suppose.
Gordo: Right. I hope you do end up with her one day. If that makes you happy.
Me: Thank you. I hope so too but only if it makes her happy.