Week 8

Gordo: The Man Who Reads!! The Man Who Reads is…..well, erm….a man who reads I suppose.

Me: It is ironic that you say that actually. On today of all days. For, Good Sir, I am reading none other than “Essays and Aphorisms” by Schopenhauer!

Gordo: LAUGH OUT LOUD!!!! Actually, wait, I don’t really get it….What's the punchline?

Me: “On Thinking For Yourself”?

Gordo: Erm….yes? What about it? I have not read it for, erm, well….ever.

Me: “As the biggest library if it is in disorder is not as useful as a small but well-arranged one….”

Gordo: Oh….! Ha! ZING!! Erm, hey, listen E, I have to go now actually. I am flying to Iran today….

Me: In fact, Schopenhauer, it must be noted had some very interesting views on women….

Gordo: Hehe. Well, I am “Sure-penhauer” he did. Do you really have to talk about that with me, though?

Me: You know what Schopenhauer says? I mean do you really want to know what the most influential philosopher of his entire generation, from the very generation from the very country that produced more great philosophers than any other said about women? He says they are childish. Childish and short-sighted. “In the girl nature has had in view what could in theatrical terms be called a stage-effect: it has provided her with super-abundant beauty and charm for a few years at the expense of the whole remainder of her life, so that during these years she may so capture the imagination of a man that he is carried away into undertaking to support her honourably in some form or another for the rest of her life, a step he would seem hardly likely to take for purely rational considerations.”

He says that “as the weaker sex, they are driven to rely not on force but on cunning….”

Gordo: Wowser!! Well look, this has been good E. But I really do need to run. I have to get to the airport and erm….buy my ticket.

Me: So you see, what Schopenhauer is saying – in effect – is that because women are less physically strong than men, and because it requires courage and bravery to take and enforce a moral stance on an issue, however difficult that may be and irrespective of the consequences, women by default have a different moral code to men. To enforce a moral code takes muscle – and that is something that women do not have. So women can indeed have a moral framework but will inevitably be less confident in enforcing that framework because in order to do so, they require the robustness and action of men.

So the point is that men and women in effect serve different purposes in life. Men should avoid becoming too emotionally invested….because, well…the most important thing that a man can do to be a good man is to keep his body physically strong and serve that different purpose.

So you see a good man is really like a good soldier. I mean, you do understand what I am saying, don’t you?

It’s just something I have learned in life. And this here lies the truth. For a man to be a good man, he really has to be a good soldier first. And a good soldier has to be fit for purpose and ready for battle. You know what I mean, don’t you?

Gordo: Oh yes, I understand completely what you mean. So did Schopenhauer’s girlfriend break his heart too?

Me: What did you say?! What does that have to do with anything?

Gordo: Nothing. I didn’t say anything.

Me: Look, just shut up, will you? You don’t know anything. You just don’t know what you’re talking about. Just shut up for God’s sake and leave me alone….

Gordo: Wait, what is that?

Me: What?

Gordo: On your left wrist?

Me: Ah, that’s just my Gucci watch.

Gordo: No. The other thing. The bracelet…..Is that…? The one that the One…?

Me: No, no. It’s….It’s nothing.

Gordo: Yes it is! I can see it. It says “Will always love you with all my heart x”

Me: No. No, it’s nothing.

Gordo: Hang on a second! Is that your gym bag?

Me: Yes. Why?

Gordo: You are going to the gym….

Me: Yes. Why? Is that illegal these days?

Gordo: Oh. My. God. You are hitting the gym again to try and win her back, aren’t you?

Me: Her? Who do you mean? No, no….Look you have it all wrong. I am talking about Schopenhauer hauer. I mean “here”!

Gordo: Yes, yes.

Me: Look I really do not know what you are talking about, to be honest.

Gordo: Oh yes you do. You know. You know something? It’s just so so strange to see you like this. YOU. Of all people. I wish I could unsee it. Like your father sobbing. Or a hairless cat. But once you have seen it, you can’t look away.

Me: Hey, hey. Look, take it easy, ok?

Gordo: I had never seen you this way. I didn’t realise until now what sad eyes you have….It’s like your mask has been lifted. I am seeing your true face for the first time and my word – what a truly sorry sight it really is.

Me: Look, I am just a man. A normal man. Going to the gym. Like society tells me to do. Ok?

Gordo: No. You are not. You are different. At least I thought you were. 35 years of the Iron Man routine and now….to see you reduced to this. And you know what? It is disgusting! I mean, no offence. But it is a disgusting sight to see. I mean truly disgusting to witness for anyone who has had to listen to your shit for years and years. I think I preferred you when your face hadn’t dropped and you were just plain mean.

Me: Well, I am sorry about that. I am human however.

Gordo: Really? Since when? It is news to me. When did that happen?

Me: Yeah well, maybe since…. I am sorry.

Gordo: Wait, hang on…..What is going with on your face?

Me: Nothing.

Gordo: Erm…Elliot are you crying???

Me: No. No….

Gordo: Yes you are! I just saw you wipe something from your eyes. You are crying!!

Me: No! I am not, ok? I just have hayfever this year. It’s bad this year.

Gordo: Shit!….(Erm, fuck, this is going to scar me for life…..) Look, is there anyone I can call? Maybe you can speak to that guy at Samaritans again! What’s their number? Actually, fuck it. I’m calling an Ambulance. I want you to lay down on your back and count from 10 to 1 backwards.

Me: Stop looking at me! I’m not fucking crying! It’s just hayfever. It’s bad this year. It’s just so so bad…..

Gordo: Look, just stop fucking crying!! You’re not supposed to do that! You’re not allowed to do. You lost the right to do that a long long time ago.

Me: Don’t fucking touch me! I told you. I am not crying.

Gordo (voice breaking): Oh my God. It’s finally happened. And now I just want it to stop. I made Elliot cry.

Me: Don’t you start! You better stop crying. Because I am not.

Gordo: I am only crying because you are crying…

Me: No I am not crying. I don’t know what this is! I didn’t even cry when I got acid thrown in my face….

Gordo: I didn’t cry when you got acid thrown in your face…

Me: Look. She told me once about the first time she realised she loved me, ok? It was when I took her to a Turkish restaurant in Waterloo.

Gordo: Well maybe she just really liked Turkish food.

Me: Yes, but it’s not that….It’s just…..I keep thinking about how many nice things she must have done with her new boyfriend by now. And how I never could do anything nice for her after that day….

Gordo: Maybe they haven’t. Maybe he eats through a straw. Or does that thing where his mouth gets covered in pasta sauce. Oh Elliot, don’t you see? Won’t you please stop crying now? Because if you don’t, I never will....

Me: I am sorry.

Gordo: Look I want you to take me to that Turkish restaurant! I was lying about the Persian chick. I didn’t really go to Iran last weekend...

Me: I can’t.

Gordo: Please! I want you to take me there and tell me you feel good.

Me: But I don’t feel good. I feel like I have just died.

Gordo: So what was all this? This past year? Why didn’t you just apologise to her? What was with the whole dark, brooding, intellectual thing?

Me: Because I was scared. Of this happening. I did not want anyone to see me like this. It was all an act. Just a stupid fucking act, ok?

Gordo: Oh yeah? Well you can act with others but you can’t act with me!

Me: Look, stop crying, will you? Will you do that for me?

Gordo: Ok, I will try. If you go first.

Me: Ok, ok. Wait, one second. Hang on. Just let that moment pass…..

Pause

Me: Look I am sorry you had to see that.

Gordo: It is ok Elliot. Really.

Me: No it is not. I need you to promise me we will never ever aqain speak of what just happened. We need to pretend it never happened. It will just have to be our secret. Our terrible terrible dirty secret. You know what I am saying, don’t you? Do you understand why?

Gordo: Pretend what never happened?

Me: Hhhh. Thank you!

Gordo: No seriously, pretend what never happened?

Me: Nothing. Look, I need to go to the gym now.

Gordo: Ok buddy. And hey, be careful with the bracelet when you’re weight lifting.

Me: I will be.