Week 8
Gordo: Are you?
Me: Am I what?
Gordo: Are you or aren’t you?
Me: You will need to spell this out for me.
Gordo: When was the last time you were?
Me: Probably over a year ago now.
Gordo: And how about now?
Me: Well I feel like something has been taken out of me to an extent. But I still have the heart. I still have the spirit. It is still there.
Gordo: I want you to tell me about the last dream you remember.
Me: I can’t.
Gordo: Why can’t you?
Me: I just can’t.
Gordo: Right. I am now going to ask you a series of questions. I need you to answer immediately whilst maintaining eye contact with me. Then I am going to say a series of words. I need you to give me the first word you think of immediately whilst maintaining eye contact with me. If you hesitate or break eye contact, we will go back to the beginning. Do you understand?
Me: Sure. That sounds like fun.
Gordo: Eye contact.
Me: Sorry. Yes I do.
Gordo: So let’s start. Do you ever fear for your future?
Me: No.
Gordo: Eye contact. Do you ever fear for your future?
Me: No:
Gordo: Do you ever fear for your future?
Me: No.
Gordo: Do you ever fear for your future?
Me: Look, I don’t know what you mean.
Gordo: Do you believe that God will save you?
Me: Yes.
Gordo: Do you think that you’re a good person?
Me: Yes.
Gordo: Do you often feel that your life is a struggle?
Me: No.
Gordo: Do you often fear that you will end up like your father?
Me: No.
Gordo: Do you feel that you deserve love?
Me: No. I mean, yes. Haha. What is with these questions?
Gordo: Now. The first word that comes to your head. Dream.
Me: Past.
Gordo: Future.
Me: Past.
Gordo: Love.
Me: Halyna….Woah, woah, woah – what is this? What is really going on here?
Gordo: Say the first word that comes to your mind. Shame.
Me: Uggh….
Gordo: Shame.
Me: Look, I, erm…
Gordo: Shame.
Me: Listen I am trying to rebuild myself here…I am not suggesting that I am finding it easy. But really I am trying.
Gordo: Shame.
Me: You know the answer.
Gordo: Did being with her help you believe that you were a good and normal person?
Me: What???
Gordo: Did being with her help you believe that you were a good and normal person?
Me: Woah, woah. Jesus! Ok, look. Hang on a second.
Gordo: Did being with her help you believe that you were a good and normal person?
Me: I don’t know what you mean!
Gordo: Yes you do…
Me: Look, I am not exactly Mother Teresa. I have done a lot of things I’m not proud of. I’ve hurt a lot of people.
Gordo: Did being with her help you believe that you were a good and normal person?
Me: I can’t…really answer that question. I am sorry.
Gordo: Yes you can. Eye contact.
Me: Listen, I have not been well. But I am trying. Really I am. You can’t ask me questions like that. I know what you’re getting at. Honestly I do. I am just trying to look myself in the mirror. Without hating what I see.
Gordo: Did being with her help you believe that you were a good and normal person? Come on! Say it! Say it….
Me: Look she made me feel good in her company. She was that type of person. She had that sort of angelic quality. She could light up a room. She made everyone feel good. Everyone loved her.
Gordo: And you couldn’t believe she was with a motherfucker like you.
Me: Maybe. Look. I don’t know. I am a writer. I have my problems. I live my life. I am just trying to be a better person now. That’s all.
Gordo: Elliot. This is do or die. You are just going to have to own up. If you can’t be honest at a time like this one, I don’t ever want to see you again.
Me: Ok.
Gordo: When did you last remember her?
Me: Just before this.
Gordo: I want you to go back to that memory. I want you go back into your body and stop drifting in this God forsaken wasteland. Leave this all behind. And be back there. Tell me what you see.
Me: Jesus. You really want me to…? Ok. I took her to that Ice Bar in Central London.
Gordo: What is she wearing?
Me: A red and white dress. And open toe red high heel shoes.
Gordo: What is she doing?
Me: She is freezing. She is wearing a hooded cape and gloves like everyone else. But the tip of her nose is red. And so are her feet because of the shoes she is wearing.
Gordo: What are you doing?
Me: I am covering her feet with my hands to keep them warm.
Gordo: What does she look like?
Me: She looks happy. When she breathes, a cloud of vapour is escaping from her mouth. But she is smiling. She looks beautiful and happy.
Gordo: And how do you feel?
Me: I feel happy.
Gordo: Ok. Now close your eyes. I want you to leave that moment. I want you to be inside another one.
Me: Ok.
Gordo: Where are you now?
Me: I am standing by the first floor balcony of the restaurant Dar el Jeld in Tunis.
Gordo: Why?
Me: Because I went to the bathroom. And now I am going downstairs to sit with her again.
Gordo: So why are you standing there?
Me: Because I just want to watch her for a moment - before I go downstairs to see her.
Gordo: Why?
Me: Because she looks beautiful and I love her. And I know that I want to remember this moment for the rest of my life. So I am trying to take it in as much as I can. I want to burn it into my brain for a lifelong memory.
Gordo: Tell me what you see.
Me: Well….I can see an 18th century stone courtyard with tiled walls, iron railings and Ottoman carpets on the floor where all the diners are sitting. I see a musician in classic Tunisian dress playing a string instrument. And waiters are busy. In and out of the courtyard. The air has been perfumed with incense and Tunisian food. I see a lot of colourful dishes. A feast is being served. There are lamps on the walls which gives the courtyard a soft gentle glow.
Gordo: And what else do you see?
Me: I see her. She is sitting at the table wearing a red dress with white dots on it.
Gordo: What are you thinking?
Me: I am thinking that she is the most magnificent sight in that courtyard. I just can’t believe it.
Gordo: Are you scared that this moment will pass?
Me: Yes.
Gordo: Why?
Me: I don’t know. Because of time. Because of me.
Gordo: And where is she now?
Me: I don’t know.
Gordo: Where is this beautiful girl who you were so scared of losing?
Me: I don’t know. I have lost her.
Gordo: Why did you lose her?
Me: I don’t know!
Gordo: When did you last go one day without thinking about her?
Me: Never.
Gordo: How about one hour?
Me: I can’t remember. Look maybe when I was sleeping only.
Gordo: What about one minute?
Me: Look, look – what is the point to all this? What are you really trying to do? What point are you making?
Gordo: What about a minute?
Me: Look, it’s erm…I do know what you’re saying. Really. I do. Thanks for your help.
Gordo: What about a minute?
Me: Look I can do a fucking minute!
Gordo: Prove it. I’ll take out my phone and turn it on stopwatch.
Me: Right. Fine then. It’s no problem for me.
Gordo: Starting now.
Me: Yes. Yes it will start now…I mean not thinking about her, I mean.
Gordo: Yes.
Me: So…….Do you have any holidays planned this year?
Gordo: I do.
Me: Ok, that’s good…So where are you going?
Gordo: Cyprus.
Me: It’s cruel what you are doing, you know.
Gordo: I don’t mean it to be.
Me:….Ok. How long?
Gordo: For 2 weeks.
Me: No, no….I mean - how long?
Gordo: 16 seconds….
Me: ....I have never been to Cyprus. I mean I would like to. One day....Listen I am sorry, but I can’t do this. You are right.
Gordo: Let’s go again. I am going to ask you a series of questions. I need you to answer immediately whilst maintaining eye contact with me. Then I am going to say a series of words. I need you to give me your first thought immediately whilst maintaining eye contact with me. If you hesitate or break eye contact, we will go back to the beginning.
Me: Ok.
Gordo: Do you ever fear for your future?
Me: Yes.
Gordo: Do you believe that God will save you?
Me: No.
Gordo: Do you think that you’re a good person?
Me: No.
Gordo: Do you often feel that your life is a struggle?
Me: Yes.
Gordo: Do you often fear that you will end up like your father?
Me: Yes.
Gordo: Do you feel that you deserve love?
Me: No.
Gordo: The first word that comes to your head. Dream.
Me: Past.
Gordo: Future.
Me: Past.
Gordo: Love.
Me: Halyna.
Gordo: Shame.
Me: Halyna.
Gordo: Did being with her help you believe that you were a good and normal person?
Me: Yes.
Gordo: So are you?
Me: Honestly, no I am not. I do not feel happy at the moment. But I will get there again.
Gordo: How do you know that?
Me: Because I have learned something. One vital lesson.
Gordo: And what lesson is that?
Me: That everyone deserves to be happy – starting with yourself. If you challenge other people’s happiness, it means that there is something wrong with you – which you need to fix yourself. The most important thing in life is to be happy and make sure that you do what you can to make the people you care about happy too.
“There exists, for everyone, a sentence - a series of words - that has the power to destroy you. Another sentence exists, another series of words, that could heal you. If you're lucky you will get the second, but you can be certain of getting the first.” Philip K. Dick
